Chronic Harmonics

i was feeling pretty good
thought i finally understood
how to be free, free, free, free!
like the birds, like the bees
like the wind in the trees.

so i went out on a limb
thinking maybe we can swim
into the river of light
into the ocean of pain.
where angels get their wings
where babies get their names.

I wonder if you were aware
how much

You rock my boat. 

I wonder if you were aware 
how much

You rock my boat.

I wonder if you were aware 
how much

You rock my boat.

You rock my boat.

No matter what
You'll never take that from me.

I slowly make my way to the third floor, trudging through a spontaneous brick stairwell in a completely concrete building. These days when I lay still, I can see and feel a few veins popping near my temples, every single day. They pulsate constantly, and after the last step I can feel them pounding away. At this point, i'm completely fucking irate from today's shitty results, and now I once again don't have the right pre-lab to turn in today. They must have fucked up my lab book, because there is always shit missing in it. Flinging the door open to the department of physics, I consciously change my composure to better conceal that i'm obviously on the verge of a shit-fit. The young lady waiting at reception has a bored, complacent look on her face. Standing trying not to shake my knuckles on the counter, she finally looks up after 15 seconds of me standing around, looking geekish.

"Can I help you?", says blondie.

"Yes, im looking for," (I pause to resist the blatantly racist disposition I have for all my incoherent T.As, I wanted to call him CHING CHING CHONG.)"...Jingjin's office. He's my T.A for General Physics 1."

"J$#!n? Okay, I'll just look up where HER office is.", blondie replys.

"Uh, no my T.A is a dude.", I stupidly mumble back at her.

"Oh.., then which section are you in?"

"Uhhh..( mumbling sounds*) it's, it's 29 I think."

This pretty thing is looking up and down some random chart with her index finger, while I ponder why the hell she identified my not very androgynous T.A as a girl.

"Yes, J$#!n has HER office on the bottom floor of MWAH, room 70.

“Wait a minute. Jingjin is a GIRL?!”

...

“Really?”

Just as I got the feeling that she probably knew her, personally, I was relieved that she gracefully changed the subject. I was tense like a dear in headlights.

“Well, since you’ve never been there, you take the stairs to the bottom floor, and turn right down the hall and another right. She’s in room 70, or she’s at her recitations.”

“..uhh, Yes. Thank you. I’ll go down there.”

I couldn’t concentrate on the lab. I was utterly confounded. The more femine some qualities now appearedI, the more they looked diminished in the face of overwhelming masculinity.

My first guess was he was a dude without a pituitary gland. My next best guess was he was some mild-mannered, one of 20 million Chinese child prodigies. Cosby sweaters and pseudo mustaches are very convincing on both.

ugghh. I work way too hard for the grades i'm getting. 16/25 for studying all weekend? Does my professor realize how close he is to getting his ass shot up? Fuck that noise, 64% makes me fucking irate. I gotta escape from all this, but i'm always tied to my house because that's where the homework is. My existance is getting depressing, I have no social life AND i'm failing classes left and right. I spent the majority of last night high off my ass reading the Great Gatsby in a bathtub. By doing so, I now have no lab report to turn in today. Fucking depressing isn't it? I work nonstop for 6+ Days and my night off manages to do me in. I've cleaved everything that makes me happy in order to cope with my workload, but i still manage to fail at life. Something has to give out soon, whether it be my sanity, my dreams of not being fucking poor for the rest of my life, or these shit-can results.

I really don't feel wholesome anymore, I can't shake the feeling of being in exile. I really wanted to open myself to someone that I wanted know better for almost a year now, and after that blew up in my face I simply don't have any energy or motive to move on to anything else. I don't know what to do anymore, I honestly stopped having a life and don't wish to continue pursuing anything. I just can't believe that this keeps happening to me. Im so heart broken. I keep getting devastated by beautiful, thought-provoking women like every year. Im getting closer to that pathetic, soul-devouring shadow of a man that lives inside of me. I've already just collapsed into a heap a couple of times without anything really provoking it. I hear a silence ringing in my ears and then I start shaking violently. It really stems from this vacuum of human contact that I inhabit. What this backwards culture seems to tell everyone is that this entire ritual is a rouse with the ultimate goal of physical satisfaction, particularly at the expense of the other person. This is the single thing that I find alienates me from this time and place. I can't identify with blatant exploitation, and I see it everywhere. It turns everything into a giant impersonal transaction, until it gnaws at me so savagely that I want to scream that I'm lonely and I don't want to wake up by myself. Please let me love you. You have everything that I find beautiful in people. Please. Why is this so fucking hard to understand?! I want to stop mid-sentence and flat out tell you this because this entire relationship has been a over drawn misunderstanding. I don't spend every waking second trying to figure out how i'm going to fuck you. You fascinate me and I cant stop thinking about you. And I will draw this out while you go on with your life, an unpleasant conversation somewhere in your recollections.

Its been a rough week. My loans were denied, I had to work my ass off and I am a insignificant pion in this world. I feel so hopelessly powerless, I have no control over my life from the forces that do control it. I can't even get my work acknowledged by my own sister. She comes home, sits next to her boyfriend and treats me like the children she treats at her job. Then when I get angry, not necessarily at her, but at my whole situation, she leaves the room with her boyfriend. With the weed I personally delivered to her, of course, and smokes it. It isn't what she says, but it's how she spins it, that frustrates me. I can't move the argument forward in any particular direction or towards any conclusion, because she always argues on HER terms. She always leaves the argument with the upper hand, and makes a point to always leave it that way. She manipulates to leave the debate on HER terms, and INJSK:LDFHSPAI:OOOOOF&K:LFHI:OTF*&KHLFYPIDFHS:LFHYIOFUHE*YP(&FRHJFI:O&PHY)ES*(FIOPJE*U_(FIU(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! its so infuriating to always be put in my place by everything in this world. i'm a slave

i'm avoiding studying for my euro history class. At this rate, i'm heading for a DISASTER. Oh, there will be blood. there will be blood

hey emo-blog. back again to update this senseless scream into oblivion. oh and HI AARON! I'm surprised that you actually read this whiny shit. To be honest, i've been reading your lj for some time...., and haven't commented. (creepy)

Anyway, pulling back from my life and looking at it from a holistic perspective I have seen what my life is shaping into. And unsurprisingly, i'm dissapointed with everything. I'm completely uninspired with my education, I can feel my relevance in the lives of my old friends slowly and agonizingly fade into nothing, my relationships with my "friends" up here in Mt. Hood will never amount to anything, and i can't even think about my family without getting all hell bent about my ever-bitching father. In retrospect, however, this has been in an improvement from what i was three, four months ago. GOD i was a mess. I can't fucking recall actually FEELING anything. Being seperated from everything i knew threw me into some grey funk for a hella long time. Every day slipped by in a completely meaningless spiral of shit. I maybe called my girlfriend once a week, my friends back home even less. I hardly bathed, did my laundry TWICE for an entire semester, and lived in a filthy, self-loathing pit. I'm not going to deny there were some high points, but I didn't really feel them. Coming out of this, I'm trying to make out where exactly i went astray, and where it ended.

From what I know, I came off my high right around the week when my relationship with Evie ended. After about a year of bonding and sharing revelations about all things deep, i finally felt secure about us. I found a meaningful, unadulterated friendship with someone I really loved, man. Then it just ended. Bang, gone without a trace. I lost my spine and turned into a skwerming meatbag. It took me two weeks to stop thinking about all that shit, all the time. I finally got it down to a daily thing, and then i started socializing with my other friends again. Making up for all the time I lost when I was in the womb. Suddenly, just as quick as it ended, she was back again. Wanting to get the band back together, rekindling the spark. All the time i spent trying to get over her was suddenly one hella long regression. What a mind fuck. This all right before i went to college. And now i have to play the exorcist! what i didn't see at the time was HOW exactly we were going to rebuild this when we are 200 miles apart 9 months out of the year. Its not like i can fucking pretend like that summer didn't happen for fucks sake! I was really fucking hurt and its not something i could simply shake off. that was three fucking months of my life i wasted and repressing that is damn near impossible.

Now dig me out of my pit and throw me into the hyena cave. All this time in that chaos, I was in an unconscience stupor. I felt like the living dead, screaming at my limbs to move from 100 miles away. Coming from a semi-nurturing enviornment to living with three men who could give a flying fuck about you and co-existing with strangers in a culture where money comes before people took out all my living organs and replaced them with doll parts. LIFE SUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKEDDDDDDDD. Then Ian visited. And finally, kim visited. My body felt reanimated again. Especially when i massaged her back and danced with her and held her.

Looking back on my winter break and my life since then, I can honestly say that i have been fully thawed for about a week now. I feel as alive as I have ever been. Getting back in those motions have been inspiring revelations from my rekindled love of introspection. What I need most from life right now is simple, unconditional love. If i could just draw it from a friendship where i don't want to analyze their behavior for secret motives, or think about why they stab at my weaknesses, or wonder to what ends are their manipulations are leading me. I DON'T WANT TO QUESTION MY RELEVANCE, EVER! I just want to be, with someone who genuinely loves me. I want to have hours of silence while knowing that they won't think me lesser for not saying something entertaining. I want to have intense fights and know that the next day reconciliation is not a necessity, but is used for geniune concern for each other's feelings.

This is what i strive for. I have come close, have even stood on that threshold. But at this moment I feel i'm staring at a blank slate. The friendships I have woven years ago are out of my grasp, and now i have to deal with fading away. To make it perfectly clear, i don't regret my reluctance of talking over a cell phone. I don't find the internet, cell phones or any of that garbage to be any use for communicating. They are tools. I use them to find out where and when to rendevous with people i care about. thats it. i don't derive any meaning from using phones beyond that purpose. i don't want a conversation with a radioactive toy. If there is no physical way for us to be together (especially when i have no way to make that possible at this point in my life), then i don't see the point of talking on the phone. if i have to live our friendship through some artifical means, then the friendship itself will become artifical.

I want something real. And I don't some concept argument of "what is reality and reality is what you make it." I know what is real. And everything else is simply a means to make that end. I'm sorry to everyone i have inadvertenly hurt for doing this. I will do all i can to see you again and even keep in touch now and then to let you know i still think about you. Just please understand that i cant be in a relationship to will devolve into to some trivial game of phone tag.

Ive come to realize of few truths about myself. It has been 7 months since i've updated my emo blog and now i'm back to say a few things and go.

1. I found my calling in life. I would absolutely love to be a doctor or a nurse in a foreign country. What i crave more then anything in my life is physical touch. I can occupy my mind with pondering life, coersing with idiots , or masterbating, but i can never fill that void without that person. I have crossed boundaries of race, creed, socio-economic status and even gender to fufill this need. It has to be a constant in my life. Or all i feel is total fucking anger.

2. Everything in life is temporary. I have seen too many things fall apart to dispute that. Divorce is a result of our own innate selfishness that we can derive from this culture. It is also the constant stress and pain we inflict on our own people. We facilitate this dog-eat-dog shit. Then we take it out on those we love. To whomever i care about, i will always care about them and think about them constantly, even if we broke apart. Doesn't matter. Use me, abuse me, drink me, i will always love you. Hatred is my weapon to keep those who hurt me from hurting me again.

3. Acceptance of all theologies is necessary for a peaceful world. We are all the chosen people. No ones a heretic, no ones an infidel. If you truely accept your fellow man, accept EVERYTHING about him/her.

4. The world would be a better place if there is 60 female/ 40 male ratio in the positions of power. However, if women turn into their masculine counterparts, it will all be for nothing. The further away we are from the primal male inclination of size=power, the better. Civilization is nearly 4000 years old. The western world is advanced enough for women to finally take over. Male power is no longer a necessity to defend our way of life. However, a few things have to be realized...

5. Men must NEVER be marginalized. We are who we are. In life, the only true miracle that exists is the birth of a child. Men contribute about .025% of that miracle, while women are the real precious entities that make that miracle. Therefore men are just an accessory to the core human function. That is why we go to war and die. Because in the end, we really don't matter. If you take away our drive to protect and provide, all you have left is a shell. There is no issue of women being strong and having a job, a house and living a life independant of men. But if a man comes into the picture, turning him into a little bitch is against everything he knows. In the end, the true indicator of a man's worth is if he can keep his partner happy. When that is attained, life becomes complete.

6. And finally, LET GAY PEOPLE MARRY ALREADY! We have 6 billion people, so who the fuck cares if anyone's gay? There are plenty of heteros, and both homos and heteros will always exist, so what doomsday scenerio of a gay planet can you make believeable? Homo love=Hetero love. If you make the argument that if "the gay people marry" then why not people marrying their cousins or sisters, or marrying their pets or innatimate objects, then you are really fucking ignorant. How can you compare human love to incest, beastiality and psychosis? We live in a growing overpopulated world and letting gay people be gay can only help stabalize the population. I wouldn't promote either homosexuality or heterosexuality because both are acceptable! Fuck, eastern europe is letting them marry, so how does that make us look? I say fuck your insecurities and make it happen.

Thats the end kids. Merry Christmas, Happy Chaunakkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Athesist Day. etc. Peace and Love is all you need..

I hate everyone, and everything. Why the fuck can't I be happy with someone? Why do i look like Hitler's asshole when i am the most vulnerable? I can't get anything to work, i can't get any thing significant off the ground with my life and all i do is BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCH.

Clarify.

"His soul? It may be that he's a little frightened of himself. It may be that he has no confidence in the authenticity of the vision that he dimly percieves in his mind's eye." -William Somerset Maugham

Reading this at the time felt like providence. Cleansing. It defined what i have been feeling forever. I felt as pristine as Colby's face when he gave Emily Adamich that hug. (and i don't care if that sentence didn't make sense to you, this is for me).

Now i feel empty. The cycle is complete. I met her. I wanted her. We had one amazing night together. She disappears. Or i meet them, i love them, we had one amazing summer together, they disappear. And sporadically come back in my life and scare the fuck out of me. But that's beside the point.

Apathy is the devil and i can feel it cultivate in my lungs. I AM NOT A WEAK PERSON. (in fact i fucking despise weak people) but this cycle is wearing on my stamina. If this continues my grit will be worn to transparency. Along with the rest of my being.

The institutions are getting to me. School. Work. Home. Repeat. And these walls are like a fucking cage. I know it's having an effect on my consciousness. Last night I could feel individual neurons fire in rhythmn. That is how little mental activity im doing. All i could do was stare blankly into the mirror in front of me. Subconsciously checking movements, facial expressions and vocal tones to react to. I could feel us reflecting each other's energies. I can see that reading each other and formulating an appropriate reaction cannot be done mutually unless there is another. Then there is light reflecting in the house of mirrors. I'm going to have to give up self-consciousness and inhibition. To simply....react. Otherwise my image and i will sit in our house of mirrors in total darkness

I got into a wreck today. Anyone surprised?

I think there is an aspect that our generation has lost touch of. And here it is: what you are reading is nothing but dots on a screen. What you are watching on television isn't real, whether it has happened or is assumed to have happened. The Holocaust happened. I saw a movie about it on T.V. Millions of people died including homosexuals, gypsies, blacks, catholics, and jews. Thousands have witnessed it, millions of stories came from it and everyone in the free world knows it happened. I know it happened. But it was never real to anybody that is reading this. It was only real to the people who suffered through it, to the people who committed the massacre, to the people who breathed in the smoke made of children. Real is what you are experiencing right now. And right now you are staring at dots on a screen. The music you maybe listening to is coming from your desktop speakers, and they are re-creating what the artist's voice should sound like, along with the noises they are making. Same thing with that phone call we had earlier. I wasn't talking to you and you weren't talking to me. I was responding to your electronically re-created voice by talking into a chunk of plastic. And that picture I saw with you and your friend on Facebook. Pictures only become real when they help your memory recall past events, but I wasn't there. I wasn't looking at you or your friend, I was staring at dots on a screen. The idea i'm trying to get at is it is perfectly logical for people to escape reality by watching television, playing videogames, or experiencing the internet. But at what point does your escape from reality become your reality? When does technology get so sophisticated, that we as humans lose our grip on reality? When does are technology become us. Enough of the lecture. But before you disregard everything I say and get hung up on my Holocaust references, remember this; I only know you are real by seeing you. I only know this moment is real by hearing you. I only know life is real by breathing in your scent. And I only know I am real by embracing you.

Ive had this piece of shit for 2 months and now I have finally bothered to give it substance. And ive got loads of shitastic substance to add to this motherfucker. The past two months of my life have been a complete BLURRRRR. The drama couldnt be more potent. Love, hate, shunning, destruction of property, betrayal, violence, suicide threats, manipulaltion, drugs, we've got it all. The enigma that is UMFUG is its own self-contained soap opera. Everyday somebody is pissed at someone for something, and is usually forgiven within the day, USUALLY. Right now the umfugs are becoming disjointed and polarized. Somebody pissed off four people and now we have to coexist with grudges and hatred. I would rather put this behind us and not forgive but get over it. Forgiveness will come in time. A very long time. And Im growing weary of conflicts.